by Francis Friel, The Projectionist

In honor of the RR Diner almost turning into a bullet festival this week, let’s take these episodes point by point.

1. We Need To Talk About Evans.

Fuck Diane.

What the fuck is going on here? Why is she on texting terms with Mr. C? Why was she all shady on the plane? Why is she creepin’ on that photo of Ruth’s arm? Why was she so obvious when she was mouthing the numbers? Did she think Albert wasn’t gonna notice that shit? Why did she let the Woodsman sneak up and eat Bill’s brain? Why wasn’t she even a tiny bit surprised by the Woodsman in the first place? Why does she paint her fingernails like that? How does her phone turn lowercase into uppercase? What happened that night with the Doppelganger? Why does she hate everybody so much? Why does she think she can just light up a smoke in Mackley’s office? Why is she smoking American Spirit Yellows when everyone knows Light Blues are the right and holy path to the one true god? Why did Gordon and Albert even involve her in the first place? What did Gordon think was gonna happen? What does he now know about her, and how did she give herself away? Was she able to see the vortex? Why didn’t she react when Gordon was almost sucked into it? Why is the FBI even letting her have access to privileged information about interdimensional portals and beings and creamed corn monsters? For kicks? For old times’ sake? Why is she still around?? What is she up to??? Where are her goddam marbles right now???? IS THAT EVEN THE REAL DIANE??????  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!

Diane is very, very clearly in cahoots with the creamed corn planet. She knows about the Woodsmen. She’s not being very helpful. She’s got her own agenda for finding Mr. C. She wants to be there when they reach the coordinates. Maybe she was planning some kind of ambush, counting on Cole finding the vortex and being beamed up into it. But something didn’t go her way. Albert stepped in. For sure, he noticed that she didn’t step in. Albert is on to her, even if Cole isn’t (Cole is onto her in other ways, but didn’t notice her nonchalance at the fence). Diane is proving to be one slippery character. They better hang on close to her, cause something tells me if she feels the noose getting too tight, she’ll bolt. And bring the Doppelganger hammer down on everyone.

2. Richard Horne Needs To Get Turned Into A Doorknob.

Richard, he’s another one. This motherfucker is the sloppiest True Heart Evil this town’s ever seen. He doesn’t even check to make sure nobody saw him hit that kid? Then he relies on motherfucking goddam CHAD of all people to help him cover his tracks? Then he doesn’t even make sure Miriam is dead? He gives her every chance in the world to crawl away and scare the bullshit out of two little kids? The fuck? Richard is a fucking moron. I don’t care if he is the son of some backwoods Black Lodge Cooper-faced fuck-up, he’s the dumbest motherfucker in every room he’s in. Even fucking RED made him piss his pants. He attacks his elderly grandmother and his bound-to-a-chair uncle? Toss this idiot in the Purple Ocean, folx. He’s done. I hope Bobby beats the living dogshit out of him very soon, along with fuckboy Steven. These two. Christ. The sooner both these fuckin’ goons get turned into golden orbs and melted down into garmonbozia-infused wedding bands, the better.

Even Ben doesn’t give a fuck about this kid, and Ben’s just trying to be a good guy. It’s all he wants in the world. To do good. To be good. But Ben’s gonna let that little fucker rot. He’s not giving him any more money. Nobody’s getting any more of Ben’s money, goddammit. Ben’s done all the giving he plans to do for the time being.

3. Jim Belushi Is My Favorite Part of Twin Peaks Now.

You heard me. This guy is KILLING IT every single week every single time every single second he’s on screen. “FOR FOUR FUCKIN’ YEARS??!” is so me, by the way. That is literally my reaction to so many work annoyances that come up every shift. You send somebody to do something, complete some simple-ass task, and it takes for goddam ever for them to come back and tell you they aren’t sure what you meant by that? Fuckin’ Candie, girl, PLEASE. Bring that motherfucking Mr. Jackpots TO MY OFFICE, NOW. What is she givin’ him the goddam weather report? What the fuck is she doing flailing her arms around like that for? Why is this happening??

And that little thing he does when he gets the check for $30,000,000? That little weak-kneed bit? Where he gets all wonky and he goes cross-eyed for a second? Fuuuuuuuuck you. Best physical comedy business of the year. The Belush is on fuckin’ FIRE right now. Lynch knows it. Lynch knows everything. I heard Lynch on NPR this morning talking about how he was sitting around at home one day trying to meditate but he was distracted by his shelf and saw that old VHS copy of Mr. Destiny up there and said to himself, out loud, in his best David Lynch voice “god DAMMIT, get me the one and only Jim Belushi on the horn, NOW. DAMMIT, I need to talk to ol’ Jimbo about doing something cool with some cool people. Mary, DIAL THAT NUMBER.” And when he got off the phone he went to his little notebook that’s about one inch by one inch square and got out the world’s sharpest pencil (a trick he STOLE! That’s not even his trick!) and wrote down “Belushi does a wiggle-walk and has a dream about cherry pie, but the dream was manipulated by MIKE to make sure he doesn’t kill Cooper, so the pie is in a gigantic cardboard box I think.”

Remember when nobody knew what to think when it was announced that Belushi was gonna be on the show? WE DIDN’T TRUST LYNCH WITH OUR WHOLE HEARTS AND SOULS. That’s on US, everybody. We should be ashamed. We shouldn’t be allowed outside.

4. Check This Shit Out.

The Woodsmen are in that room from that painting! Or, I mean… they’re in the house. THE WOODSMEN ARE IN THE HOUSE.

5. Gersten Is Banging Dopey Idiot Steven.

I have like nothing to say about this other than, hey, look! It’s Gersten! All grown up and wearing the same jacket Darya was wearing? Wait. What? That’s weird. Were Lynch and Frost really dying to tell the rest of the Gersten story? Has this been eating away at them for twenty-five years? Guys, sorry. I can’t care. Gersten? Really? Okay. If you insist.

6. Johnny Is Alive.

Thank god. I always like Johnny. Who wants to bet he accidentally murders Red, though? Calling it now.

7. I Don’t Care About Jacoby.

Sorry. This is doing nothing for me. I mean, cool, Jacoby’s still around. Nadine’s still around. And she’s a huge Jacoby fan. And has her own Silent Drape Runner Store. But are the drape runners somehow tied into Jacoby’s thing? We know they know each other at least since she was briefly a superpowered teenager back in her thirties, but then what? Is Jacoby using her? Is he paying her to promote his vlog? (That’s something else Lynch mentioned this morning on NPR, writing down in his notebook, “Jacoby: vlog?”) I don’t see these two adding up to much, nor do I see Jerry, for that matter, moving the plot forward in any meaningful way. Unless maybe he accidentally opens a door to hell while he’s trapped out in the woods high as a fuck? Eh, who cares.

8. The Doppelganger Was Caught On Camera Inside The Glass Box Talking To David Cross.

Again, CARELESSNESS! How has this enormous evil enterprise survived for so long if they’re getting their pictures taken by some amateur DEAD GUY? Their headquarters are in a fucking convenience store. The door to the Red Room is literally just WHEREVER. Any bozo like Bill can just waltz on in any time he wants. By the way, I totally predicted that Bill was gonna bite it soon, and sure enough he gets his brain crushed to shit by The Creeper in the backseat of Mackley’s car. Trust me when I tell you who’s gonna die and when. I’m real good like that.

Also, how bout how MIKE just shows up out of nowhere in the middle of a pastry shop? If I was the manager on duty I’d be pissssssed. The customers all probably freaked out. Are the customers all now stuck in the Lodge? Are they all little gold balls now? Are there cherry pie doppelgangers running around in some alternate cherry pie universe? Is that why the vortex in the sky above the house looked like that? Was that the point of view from the inside of a piping bag? Are we all just a big pie to the Lodge folk? Is that what Lynch is getting at? He didn’t talk about it in his NPR interview, so we’re left to fend for ourselves on this one.

9. Coop Had Sex With Janey-E!!!

That was some funny shit!

Here’s a picture of Naomi Watts standing in front of a building named after her:

And here’s a pic of her at the Twin Peaks: The Return Cannes premiere with Lynch. Look how happy they are.

10. I’m Flipping Out Over Hawk’s Map.

Hawk has a map. Hawk knows what the fuck is up. The map is “very old, but always current” he says. You take fire from over here, mix in the black corn over here, and over there you get the Evil Corn Fire. I’M SO DOWN. The title of next week’s episode (not episode, they’re called “Parts” but I started calling them episodes in the first write-up I did so for the sake of consistency I’m gonna keep calling them that)...okay, so, the title of next week’s Part is “Let’s Rock.” I have never been more excited. There’s fire where they’re going. Hawk is gonna lead everybody (along with Bobby) to Jack Rabbit’s Palace. They’re gonna find the doorway. They’re gonna meet their shadow selves. Will they enter? Will they see some time-warped Cooper in there? Will MIKE or The Arm help them out? Will Mr. C. know they’re in there? Will they meet the Major? Will Hawk stab a Woodsman in the back with a huge knife?

As of next week we’ll be two thirds of the way through this thing. And Coop keeps having fucking panic attacks over mentions of coffee and cherry pie. Cole saw the vortex. Diane is up to no good. And after we were left with that image of the Doppelganger in the box last week, we got no news on him in Part 11. I think some wild shit is about to go down. I’ve never been more ready. BRING IT, LYNCH.