Heyyyyy you guyssssss! Can’t Care is B-A-C-K-K-K-K-K! Did you miss us? BUT DID YOU MISS US? We think you did. This week’s addition throws shade at Hollywood’s latest reimaginations of the Joker and Chucky. Please to enjoy.

Joaquin Phoenix Got To Be The Joker On Twitter Cause The Guy That Made HATED Thinks He’s Victor Fleming All Of A Sudden

by Francis Friel, The Clown Prince of Projection

I’m not convinced this whole Joaquin Phoenix Joker movie is a real thing. So far everything we’ve seen could EASILY be some big setup for a hugely unfunny prank that Todd Phillips (did I spell that right? Fuck that guy) thinks he’s pulling. The camera test footage released by Warner Brothers on Twitter, while cool on its own, looks like it’s from some entire other dimension where we do things like release camera test footage of Joaquin Phoenix in random, vaguely Joker-esque makeup.

This is some seventy years later special features shit. I don’t get it. What are we supposed to be making of all this? Is this how they’re hyping movies now? Not only that, but they’re apparently just shooting this fucker in your backyard now, too. Is there anywhere that isn’t being used as a Joker set? I think I saw them setting up lights in the low side men’s restroom at my movie theater last weekend. I asked what they were doing and a kid in a Rogue One t-shirt said “Oh, it’s just this movie our friend is making, it’s top secret, it’s about a criminal, well, a supervillain, but I can’t really talk about it, Batman’s not in it, it’s the Joker movie starring Joaquin Phoenix.” It’s everywhere!

Check out that video and tell me that’s a movie. They got the Yellow King clownin’ in the alley behind the South Philly Safeway, chasing his nose around and pretending like he can’t see it but IT’S RIGHT THERE. Go get your nose, dork! You just got straight JOKED.

Then there was the time Joaquin got caught CLOWN-HANDED bustin’ up the subway. Imagine you’re just trying to get across town from your day job to your second job and you can’t get across the fucking platform cause The Hangover idiots are busy making a JOKER movie all over the place. I’d be soooooooo cheesed off! Take it somewhere else! Some of us have to WORK for a living!

You start putting out camera tests and Safeway nose grabs and clown trains and it’ll get to the point where we’ve seen the whole goddam thing before this ALLEGED movie even gets an official trailer. And if you think this song won’t be in that first trailer, you’re a BOZO.

The Tale of Two Chuckies
by Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport and Roderick Towers, Paranormal Investigator

We are now living in a time that has two Chuckies. It is real. Everything around us is ending. Rules have been tossed out the window. There is no dignity…no respect. People can just up and take someone else’s doll, and turn it into computer-generated inferiority (CGI). The world as we know it is over and it is going out in a fiery hell with two Chuckies.

Most people don’t even know there is one Chucky. Now we will have two. Chucky has been one of the only horror icons not to go to space or get a reboot or both. Well get ready. It is only a matter of time, before we’ll be seeing Chucky in a pint sized space suit, boarding a rocket ship to where no man has gone before.

To help us sort out these Chucky matters, Moviejawn’s favorite Old Sport had a fireside chat with Roderick Towers. Mr. Towers, is known for digging into the mysterious and unknown. As a serious and professional paranormal investigator, who specializes in lunacy, there was truly no one more perfect to assist us with this madness.

1. Why do you feel the reboot is such a problem?

For one, even though we live in the age of information, there were people, still wondering why BB-8 wasn’t in Rogue One. With this reboot getting the big screen roll out the general population might think that this is the only Child’s Play in town. The Chucky series has flourished in the direct to video market allowing them to take chances that they might not otherwise have been able to, to cater directly to the people who have been following this series for 30 years. Unfortunately by adding a competing Child’s Play series it might confuse people. Usually a series will get the reboot treatment when they’ve laid fallow not when they still are in the middle of a healthy run.

2. What do you feel is going to be the biggest problem with the “new” Chucky?

Judging by any reboots we’ve seen in the last ten years or so, we’ll just end up with a watered-down version of the original, rushed into production to cash in on the latest horror trend. I bet right now they’re having discussions on whether it will be rated PG-13 or not. I bet it’s no coincidence that we’re seeing this after the success of the latest Annabelle flick. Remember that awful Nightmare on Elm Street remake they rushed out to ride the Platinum Dune wave back in 2010? It was so bad they’ve spent the last 8 years talking about how they’re going to reboot that reboot.

It would be like if Lions Gate found out they had some kind of rights to Mission: Impossible and they said, ”You know, we’re going to make our own Mission: Impossible. We wish Tom Cruise would be a part of our Mission: Impossible but we understand. Our Mission: Impossible stars Jeremy Piven and has a jet ski fight.”

3. Choose your Chucky: Practical effects or CGI?

Old Sport, do you even have to ask? Chucky is a REAL DOLL! A real doll possessed by Brad Dourif and that’s all!

As a Chucky fan it feels like they’re trying to take something away from us that we’ve been able to call our own. For the last few years we’ve had a new Chucky movie to look forward to and with the announcement of a tv series and the promise of more movies to follow it seemed to only be getting better. My concern is that this rebeoot somehow affects those plans even though Universal seems committed to continuing the series according to Don Mancini’s wishes. Hopefully this will be a filmation Ghostbusters versus the real Ghostbusters situation where the fans will follow the continuing adventures of the real Chucky instead of this inferior cash grab. C’mon filmation, we all knew there wasn’t a monkey in the Ghostbusters.

4. So basically you’re saying you can’t care about this new Chucky?

I can’t care about this fake Chucky. This “new” Chucky, wouldn’t last a minute against Chucky Prime. Fake Chuck, can’t care.

5. Mr. Towers, despite all this though, will you be watching the “new” Chucky?

Fake Chuck? Yeah maybe in two or three years if I happen to see it at the library. I don’t think Hollywood looks at who’s borrowing what from their local library. I in no way want to feed this awful remake machine. If I’m voting with my dollars it will be for the original Charles Lee Ray. Accept no chuckstitutes.