by Liz Locke, Cinemasips.com

I don’t know how it happened, but somehow, I’ve become a connoisseur of terrible movies. And when I say “terrible”, I’m not talking about the truly unwatchable, like the last Happy Madison production or whatever the hell Nicolas Cage is up to these days. I’m talking about the movies with BIG special effects, BIG disaster plots, BIG star power, and very little artistic value. These are the movies I reserve for Friday nights, when I’ve had a long week at work, and all I want to do is collapse with a pepperoni pizza and a few strong cocktails. The idea is to turn off the brain and relax into a world of dramatic absurdity. A world where deadly asteroids are headed for the Earth, cows are flying through the air, and O.J. Simpson is a kitty-saving hero. You see, bad movies are actually good movies, with the right attitude and enough alcohol.

Here are my picks for the best of the worst:  

The Day After Tomorrow (dir. Roland Emmerich, 2004)

This is the bad movie against which all others shall be measured. Roland Emmerich has crafted a film that makes us simultaneously fearful of climate change, and oddly excited about snowshoeing across the Jersey Turnpike. Scenes of Jake Gyllenhaal racing through a water-logged Manhattan will haunt you with every nasty hurricane season, and I must admit, during Texas’s recent winter apocalypse, I listened for the lonely howl of a CGI wolf. That’s what makes this ridiculous movie so relatable—IT’S ACTUALLY STARTING TO HAPPEN.

Greenland (dir. Ric Roman Waugh, 2020)

I know it’s a bold move to include such a recent movie on this list, but I stand by Greenland. I went into this expecting utter crap (it stars Gerard Butler, after all), but when I say I was riveted, I was riveted. For two hours, I couldn’t look away from the screen, to the point where the pizza nearly went cold. It’s a familiar story—comet hurtling toward Earth, desperate families scrambling to find shelter—but where this surpasses Deep Impact or Armageddon is in the movie’s micro focus. We’re not cutting back and forth between a menagerie of government officials, scientists, class clowns, and a stripper-with-a-heart-of-gold. We’re watching three people go through absolute hell to survive impending doom. Greenland is about solving problems, one after another. The end is coming, and the only question is who’s going to make it out alive.

The Towering Inferno (dir. Irwin Allen, 1974)

This movie is bananas, in the best possible way. The 1970s were an era of truly schizophrenic casting, throwing A-list stars like Paul Newman, Faye Dunaway, and Steve McQueen together with “old-timers” like Fred Astaire and William Holden. Somehow, it just works. You believe that these people are all in a burning skyscraper together because Hollywood has always been the great celebrity mixing bowl. Even Orenthal James Simpson has a meaty role as the security guard who saves the day (and the cat!). Hey- the guy knows how to run with a football-sized thing under his arm. Kudos to director John Guillerman for utilizing his cast’s strengths.

Twister (dir. Jan de Bont, 1996)

Of any flick on my Bad Movie Friday list, this one makes the strongest attempt to ground itself in reality. It’s entirely plausible that a group of scientists would be out in the Midwest studying tornadoes. What’s not plausible is the flying cow CGI, the hysterical fiancé who sticks around way longer than any woman with a shred of common sense would, and the fact that Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton could tether themselves to a pipe with nothing more than a flimsy leather belt, have a twister roll right over them, and be TOTALLY FINE. Ultimately, Dorothy flew, along with this film’s credibility.

The Poseidon Adventure (dir. Ronald Neame, 1972)

Pure cheese, and I love every second of it. Watching a miniaturized cruise ship roll over in the water is exciting enough, but then we get to watch Ernest Borgnine, Shelley Winters, and Gene Hackman act out their scenes in upside-down rooms. Christmas tree on the ceiling! Stained glass atrium on the floor! Maureen McGovern singing “The Morning After,” as if this was an extended episode of The Love Boat (I wish!!!). This movie feels like a weird dream you had after overindulging in Harvey Wallbangers* and allergy meds.

Want to turn Bad Movie Friday into a retro party? Watch any of these picks with an easy 1970s classic cocktail:

Harvey Wallbanger

1 ¼ oz Vodka

½ oz Galliano liqueur

3 oz Orange Juice

Maraschino Cherry garnish

Combine vodka and orange juice in a glass filled with ice. Float Galliano on top, and garnish with a cherry.