Hayride to Hell
Directed by Dan Lantz
Written by Kristina Chadwick and Robert Lange
Starring Bill Moseley, Kane Hodder and Davy Raphaely
In theaters October 20th 2023

by Nikk Nelson, Staff Writer and Cinematic Maniac 

<AC/DC Voice> “I’m on a Hayride to Hell!”

As a Kansan, I feel that any films with ‘Hayride’ in the title are reserved for review by either myself or Ian Hrabe. As a kid, I remember the concept of the hayride being one of my earliest disappointments in terms of what I imagined it would be and what, in reality, it was. I blame our parents. It wasn’t really their fault, no internet and all, they had to make something like a hayride sound exciting. So, they made it sound like a rollercoaster except you’re riding a bale of hay. But it’s laying on a hay pile on a very slow carriage ride. And, unfortunately, this memory and experience was brought back to me watching Dan Lantz’s Hayride to Hell. 

I want to preface this with how I preface many of the indie reviews I do: It’s a miracle that anyone makes anything. There’s every reason not to and the fact that this movie even exists is a great achievement and everyone involved should feel a sense of immense pride and accomplishment. That being said, unless you really love indie movies or are some sort of rabid Kane Hodder/Bill Moseley completist, there’s not much for you here overall. 

The first forty-five minutes pass with almost zero horror, save for the brutal slaying of a dog and a racist deputy being racist. The film follows farmer Sam (Moseley) who runs a haunted hayride attraction during Halloween. The haunted house setup looks like it really exists, and I hope it does, because it looks like a lot of fun. [It does. It’s just outside of Philly in Chester County.-editor] The overall composition of the film screams of the age old, ‘We have a farm, a truck, and shit ton of Halloween decorations—how can we make a horror movie?’ And the attempt, story-wise is, Sam is in financial trouble, he’s about to lose his farm, and his profitable hayride attraction is a thorn in the side of neighboring farmers and other local citizens—a highlight for me was Jack Hoffman as Wilbur, disgruntled neighbor with lines like, “Great, more goddamn fart catchers.” Another is Jared Michael Delaney as real estate agent Dick with a commercial that would give Morrie Kessler a run for his toupee money. 

In order to stave off foreclosure, Sam challenges the bankers and community members to make it through his “hayride to hell” without getting scared away. If they don’t make it, Sam gets to keep his farm.  Miraculously, they all agree. Horror ensues. The basic plot is among the least of the script issues that suffers consistently with pacing and balance. There is so much back and forth between Sam and the sheriff (Hodder), Sam and the bankers, and Sam and everyone, padding the runtime feels like the only conclusion to draw. Not that, personally, I wouldn’t gleefully watch Bill Moseley and Kane Hodder grocery shop, but part of me was disappointed they didn’t have a whole lot to do other than talk the vast majority of their screentime. 

The kill sequences and gore effects are pretty good, all things considered, but no new ground is breaking here if you’re familiar with the genre. There is a very fun Willy Wonka-esque psychedelic turn in the hayride that I enjoyed thoroughly. Other than that, this hits just above Birdemic for me, as far as overall executions to compare it to. That’s not to say I didn’t/don’t enjoy Birdemic or didn’t enjoy this hayride as well. I did. But I don’t think I can recommend it to anyone who’s not me or anyone who’s not a friend/family to the people who made it. Absolutely, you should support it. Absolutely, you should have some fun with it. That’s what I always wish for, and hope was the truth ultimately for Hayride to Hell—that everyone had a good time making it.