Haunted Mansion
Directed by Justin Simien
Written by Katie Dippold
Starring Rosario Dawson, LaKeith Stanfield, Chase Dillon, Owen Wilson and Tiffany Haddish
Runtime 2 hours and 2 minutes
MPAA Rating PG-13 for scary actions and thematic elements
In Theaters July 28

by Rosalie Kicks, Old Sport and Editor in Chief

“Ghosts don’t exist. Life is dirt. We are all dirt.”

I was not expecting much from Haunted Mansion, all I wanted was to be entertained. Dear reader, fun was not had. Instead I was subjected to a two hour and two minute complicated, clunky, and clumsy tale that would have been best left in the graveyards with other abandoned Tinseltown projects.

When Gabbie (Rosario Dawson) and her son Travis (Chase Dillon) move into a cobweb-filled mansion on the outskirts of Louisiana, they are not aware of its notorious history. Their realtor from Zillow, neglected to pass along the memo stating that the derelict dwelling they purchased is indeed haunted. To make matters worse, upon stepping foot into the abode one has essentially agreed to have a ghost latch on to them. For riders of the beloved Haunted Mansion attraction within the Disney theme parks, this fate should be expected. When the Ghost Host bids rider adieu, he cordially warns, upon exiting the mansion a ghost will follow you home! In terms of the film, their new spectral pal will ensure they are led back to the darkened estate or suffer a haunting filled life. Upon learning this, Gabbie attempts to find assistance to help her exorcise the spirits. This is where things get superfluous.

Characters waltz through this film as if it is a revolving door of a hotel and everybody totes baggage. Before even meeting Gabbie and son, Ben (LaKeith Stanfield) is introduced. He is shown meeting a lady at a bar on, what we can be surmise through the use of champagne, is New Year’s Eve. It is also learned that this woman runs ghost tours in New Orleans. The story then whiplashes the viewer into a much later unknown time in which LaKeith seems to have taken to alcohol and left his physicist job for the ghost tour racket. Additionally, he appears to be longing for the woman from his past. He gets pulled into Gabbie’s ghost problems when Father Kent (Owen Wilson) stops by and coerces him to get involved with the prospect of earning some much needed cash. Ben has a prototype of a camera that he created that apparently can capture the presence of ghosts. From there, the duo enlist others along the way such as Harriet (Tiffany Haddish) a medium, and professor Bruce Davis (Danny DeVito). Everyone finds themselves trapped in this home with 999 spirits who are seeking one more to add to their cohort.

The Haunted Mansion attraction in Disneyland has a nine minute ride time. Within that nine minutes one is told a far more engaging and interesting story than what is presented in this flick. Ultimately, the screenplay can only be described as reckless. There is so much extraneous information doled out that at some point during watching I felt suffocated from the details. With each character having something crucial in their life that I am supposed to be paying attention to, it makes it hard to determine what my focus should be. As the plot unfolds the writer seemed to forget who the intended audience was. At times, events play off as hokey or juvenile and then suddenly there is a turn down a darkened path in which we are faced with a child that has suicidal thoughts. The writer, Katie Dippold who also helped pen Ghostbusters (2016) -do with that information as you will- seemed to have gotten so caught up with creating a reveal that would wow the viewer that she forgot to create a definitive moment that would be cause for awe.

Also. Why was Jared Leto cast?

This is a police sketch made from the description that LaKeith Stanfield and Danny DeVito provide to the officer of Jared Leto without flesh.

One really has to wonder what kind of dirt Leto has on film execs, as they continue to cast him in projects as if no one else on planet Earth is available. Fortunately, he pretty much goes unnoticed in Haunted Mansion, as his character, known as Hatbox, is primarily CGI and varnished in make-up.

The true horror of this picture is that it could have been great. Despite the cumbersomeness of it all, it is nice to see such a diverse cast and crew. The director Justin Simien, who previously made the film and created the television series Dear White People, is definitely someone to keep an eye on and Haunted Mansion will inevitably become a bump in the road. Regardless, it has been fun to watch Jamie Lee Curtis on the press tour for her role as Madame Leota and, if anything, I will happily procure all of the Haunted Mansion merchandise that is sure to be made due to the creation of this film.